The Power All Along
In our house, we go to great lengths to avoid screentime for our child. Aside from Facetimes with relatives, screens are pretty much off-limits. The TV lives in the basement and is rarely on. When parenting gets REALLY hard and we’re teetering on the edge of losing it, we sometimes ask, “How do other people do this?” Then we remember: a lot of families rely on TV for childcare breaks.
Sure, we might be making it harder on ourselves, but we are hopeful that carefully managing screentime now will pay off later.
That said, we made an exception last week. We decided to watch The Wizard of Oz as a family—it was the first movie I loved as a kid, and we figured one movie wouldn’t be the end of the world. (Spoiler: our toddler didn’t care much at all and played with blocks.)
Watching it again reminded me of a line that’s stuck with me since childhood: “You’ve had the power all along, my dear.”
For years, before I decided I wanted to have a child and get pregnant, I doubted whether I was “regulated” enough to raise a whole human. During my coach training, “self-regulation” ranked near the bottom of the VIA Character Strengths Assessment for me. My partner, on the other hand, seemed to have self-regulation down. When something distressing happened, he stayed grounded, whereas it would absolutely ROCK me. My emotions hit like a violent tornado—tears, hopelessness, and anxiety swirling in full force. Add being in my luteal phase with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder in for good measure and it was disastrous. I’ve always been a “leaky” person, crying easily no matter the emotion. My therapist calls it my superpower—a way my body speaks before my brain catches up. Still, my inability to “stay grounded” added stress to my relationship.
My partner couldn’t understand why I couldn’t self-regulate. He once asked if I had a quiet, still place inside myself to retreat to like he does when he gets distressed. I had no idea what he was talking about. So no, I didn’t have that place. For me, grounding isn’t internal; it’s external. Letting my emotions move through me and, more importantly, finding connection with others helps me regulate.
Eventually, I learned about co-regulation and realized it perfectly described my experience. Once I could articulate that, it became a recurring topic in our conversations and eventually in couples therapy (a quick plug: couples therapy is gold, even if nothing is “wrong” in your relationship).
I read about how we learn self-regulation through co-regulation in childhood. Every parent is doing the best they can (I know this now!), but given my nervous system, I probably could’ve benefited from even more co-regulation growing up. So, this is where I landed as I contemplated parenthood: imperfect and doubting whether I could ever become a parent if I wasn’t a self-regulating stoic.
Fast forward to my parenting journey—I was convinced I needed to “fix myself” before having kids. I thought I had to reach some mythical state of self-regulation mastery to be a good parent.
Spoiler: I haven’t mastered self-regulation.
But what I’ve discovered is this: I didn’t need to become the pinnacle of self-regulation to offer my child the co-regulation they need. When my baby and I co-regulate together, it’s not just my baby benefiting—I am too.
Here’s the fascinating part: the developing parent brain undergoes a remarkable period of malleability from mid-pregnancy through the first year postpartum (and continues evolving for years after!). It’s a biological remodeling process, reshaping the brain to suit the demands of parenting. When I learned this a couple months before giving birth, it hit me: I didn’t need to “fix” myself before becoming a parent. The process of becoming a parent itself would support my brain’s rewiring.
What a gift! (Not to mention release of pressure! Phew!)
Co-regulating with my child nourishes their brain and nervous system and my own. I’ve come to see my form of grounding—not through traditional self-regulation, but through co-regulation—as equally valid (and my partner has too!). Different nervous systems, different needs.
This first year of sensitive brain reshaping has felt like an opportunity—a chance to nourish my brain and bodymind in ways I didn’t know I needed. Most importantly, I’ve realized I can nurture my baby’s brain, body, and mental health with what’s already within me.
Like Glinda the Good Witch says, I had the power all along—I just needed to discover it for myself.